T.S. Eliot once said, “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. I suppose it’s at the forefront of my mind for two reasons: one, my time here in Missoula is ending; two, another decade of my life is coming to close. Yep, yours truly is set to hit the big 3-0 in just a few days. And, the good news is that my panties aren’t in a twist about it. In fact, I’m embracing it. The twenties, at least for me, were all about uncovering my identity, shedding that which didn’t belong to me, discovering new worlds AND planting seeds which I’m now happily harvesting. Whew! ‘Twas both exhausting and bountiful.

So, in these waning days, I find myself ruminating on where I’ve been this decade and where I might be going in the new one. The immediate answer is a move East, but that only deals with geography. I wonder where am I headed spiritually? Emotionally? Psychologically? With whom will I travel? Encounter? Giggle? Plant roots? Will my dreams and desires change? If so, to what and why?

When I think about it, it’s all very exciting.

Still, I find myself wanting to pay homage to who I was a decade ago and the road my plucky and younger version traveled to get to Missoula MT today. When I was 20, I had just returned from a year abroad. I was embracing martial arts, writing haiku poetry, dreaming of more travel and getting my groove on with friends at dance clubs around town. I was a declared Psych major, dating a very appealing and hunky grad student and thinking about next steps. I was an avid runner, lover of Italian leather shoes (sigh…some things never change!) and reveled in my best friend’s crazy Italian family, of which I was adopted member. My friends nicknamed me “the free spirit” and I was.

And, yet, simultaneously, I was learning about my shadow side, suffering from paralyzing panic attacks, and becoming more introspective.

The younger version of myself possessed moxie and faith. A few days shy of 30, I can say that I still carry those attributes, but they run deeper now and, at times, are more pronounced. I’m a bit softer, too. Many of my rougher edges having been smoothed out and polished over the last 10 years. I’m also more private now and perhaps even a little guarded. I’m working to let that go, though, and it’s happening.

Like Eliot, I can look back on my life and see it clearly now…devoid of illusions or romantic notions. At 20, I thought my life would go a certain way and I’m glad it didn’t because it’s turned out to be richer and more full than anything I ever imagined.

BUT, I do find myself giggling a bit because at 20 I never would’ve predicted that at the end of my twenties I would be living in Missoula MT, teaching, leading discussion forums, writing and gearing up for a move to a city I never thought I’d live in, working for a company I probably never would have considered and arriving alone.

How funny that my new decade will begin with all which is new: new job, new home and new friends. I honestly have no idea what’s coming next and the difference is that at almost 30, I really don’t need to know.