What does it mean to be woman? Furthermore, what does it mean to be connected with the force I call the Divine Feminine? These are questions I’ve asked myself over and over again since leaving Montana. I know I’ve said it before, but indulge me just one more time: in Montana, I felt connected to this source. I *felt* feminine. I felt open and free to fully express myself. I felt untamed and uncaged. I could prowl the world around me unencumbered by societal concerns and judgments because I felt so fully connected to all aspects of myself and, therefore, to all aspects of others.

I attribute much of that feeling to the general vibe of the state of Montana. Perhaps because so much of it is wild and untamed, it allowed me to more easily access those wild, untamed sections of my own soul and being. I moved with a grace and ease I don’t necessarily have here. It’s still there; however, I think I’ve tucked it away in order to survive in this caffeinated, masculine, aggressive space in which I find myself. The voice which used to roar with power now seems to be just a dull whisper.

And, yet, I hear that voice so often during my days here. It is the voice of my soul which yearns to be heard, which yearns for expression and creativity, for laughter and joy, for complete wholeness and unity.

Recently, I’ve struggled with depression and have felt drained, exhausted, and a general sense of running on fumes, no matter how hard I’ve tried to rally and fight against it. The past few weeks have been better, and I think that being out of the office (due to some outside training) has played a large role. Removing myself from that toxic, aggressive environment has allowed me to feel at ease. There is now less stress and more happiness in each day. Of course, not all of this change can be attributed to a change in scenery. I think that much of it has to do with breakthroughs I’ve made in understanding myself. I look upon this depressed state with curiosity and interest because I think my inner self, my core, is trying to tell me something. I think it’s encouraging me to reconnect my feminine core.

I think for most women, we receive power and energy from this source. When we embrace our femininity, we allow ourselves to relax into gentle ways of being and relating to the world. Personally speaking, when I am connected to that feminine source of energy I feel more joy, happiness and energy. I also feel more whole, less fragmented and, most importantly, more heard.

However, now that I work for an aggressive, masculine company, I find that I tuck this sweet source of energy and power away in order to survive there. Every day, I bind up my hair, pull on neutral, classic suits, conservative pumps and matching, tasteful jewelry. When I’m conscious of how I feel when I get ready, I feel myself sighing with displeasure. What a pain it is to bind up so much of myself every day. If I had it my way, I’d loosen my hair, wear long flowing skirts, handmade jewelry and fun, quirky shoes. It is the latter description which captures my true self, not the former.

I am reminded of a poem entitled “Patterns” by Amy Lowell. There is a stanza which plays in my mind most mornings:

“I walk down the garden-paths,
And all the daffodils
Are blowing, and the bright blue squills.
I walk down the patterned garden-paths
In my stiff, brocaded gown.
With my powdered hair and jeweled fan,
I too am a rare
Pattern. As I wander down
The garden-paths.
My dress is richly figured,
And the train
Makes a pink and silver stain
On the gravel, and the thrift
Of the borders.
Just a plate of current fashion,
Tripping by in high-heeled, ribboned shoes.
Not a softness anywhere about me,
Only whalebone and brocade.
And I sink on a seat in the shade
Of a lime tree. For my passion
Wars against the stiff brocade.
The daffodils and squills
Flutter in the breeze
As they please.
And I weep”

So, I’ve decided I’m tired of being so out of touch with my feminine seat of power. I’m tired of locking up my very essence, my femininity, in order to survive at work. If work is so extreme, then it is time to balance it out with as much femininity as I can muster. I welcome back the force which cultivates grace, intuition and fluidity into my life. I seem to need it like air!

So, what have I done to reclaim it? First of all, I’ve taken up dance again, especially the more feminine forms, like belly dancing. Ballet and modern, too. I spent years dancing, but I have done very little in the past year. Tonight I danced for myself and ended up dancing for almost an hour in the privacy of my living room. It felt SO GOOD. SO POWERFUL. SO FULLY ALIVE.

Second, I’m learning how to use this life force to reawaken my latent creativity. My writing has improved and passages are coming more quickly to me. My body feels looser, more fluid and relaxed. A smile comes to my face more easily, too. My only regret is that Justin is not here to take it all in. (You’ll see the change soon enough, babe. Promise.)

Yasmina Khadra phrased this in the most wonderful way in Wolf Dreams:

“You are a Woman, Hanane. Do you realize what that means? Woman. You are everything, the mistress, the sister, the brains, the warmth of the earth and the mother, have you forgotten? The mother who bore Man in her belly, who brought him into the world in pain, suckled him, gave him love, confidence, taught him to speak, to walk…you, the great mother, the first smile, the first world, man’s first love” (p. 102).

I still have much to do, but it’s a start. Still, to all the women out there who read this blog, do yourself a favor, give yourself a big hug and check in with yourself. Are you connected to that seat of strength or have you locked it away? To the men who are reading this, ask yourselves how you can encourage this femininity to expand and grow in the women you love. Ask them what they need and welcome their words. The results would be mutually beneficial, methinks!

Last night, I spent the night at the home of my friends Ericka (aka Gati) and her husband, Tad. After a few hours of playing catch up, we all turned into bed to resume our chats once again in the morning. Also, since Madelyn was asleep when I arrived last night, I got to see her upon awakening, being introduced, of course, as Aunt Gati.

The term of endearement “Gati”, which we use for each other, arrived during our meeting back in the Summer of 1994. Though we were from different high schools from different counties in the state of Ohio, we were each selected to attend the World Affairs Seminar, held that year in Whitewater, WI. From the website for the World Affairs Seminar:

The World Affairs Seminar (WAS) was started by University of Wisconsin-Whitewater Professors Dr. Gaylon Greenhill and Dr. Dale Brock in 1977, as a partnership between Rotary and UW-Whitewater. Dr. Brock became the first WAS General Manager. His vision and enthusiasm for the Program were central to its success. He was the embodiment of the dream he had for our world, always ready to learn something new from someone who understood something he had never considered. He believed that we could advance the cause of peace in this world by gathering together to learn from one another. And it is his tireless devotion that continues to inspire and motivate all who work as Seminar Staff today.

The purpose of the World Affairs Seminar (WAS) is to bring about a better understanding of world problems through a study of current issues, while at the same time providing the opportunity to discuss those issues with other young people from other countries. Emphasis will be placed upon promoting a better understanding of the causes of international conflict with the thought that if the causes are understood, problems are more likely to be solved peacefully by our future world leaders. Students will be divided into small discussion groups and each group will prepare a summary paper. A selection of these papers will be presented to the entire Seminar on Thursday.

We each had completed our junior year in high school and sat near each other on this ridiculously long bus ride to WI where we would participate in a week of seminars about the world - I remember lectures on that year’s genocide in Rwanda (Hutus and Tutsis warring with one another), other issues in Africa, plugs for the Peace Corps, and discussions about international relations. After a week tooling around Whitewater, our friendship was sealed forever. During one lecture, we listened to a speaker with the last name of Gati and its unusual quality stuck as a nickname for us both.

Over coffee this morning, I watched Gati hold Madelyn and speak about the joys of motherhood, saying, “Kels, this is the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s so fulfilling.” I can’t wait for my turn. With Tad at the hospital, Gati and I were able to get down to particulars and, again, I tried to put into words my feelings for Justin, but the right words kept escaping me. He is not bound by descriptors! She smiled and told me that she had similar feelings when she met Tad, turning to a quote by Erik Erickson which she felt encapsulated her feelings perfectly: “Intimacy is the ability to fuse your identity with somebody else’s without fear that you’re going to lose something yourself.” Hear! Hear! Yes!

I could go on and on about Justin and my feelings for him here, but I’ll save those musings for his ears only.

Back to Gabs.

She and I have had our own set of interesting conversations. In one, she told me about this man, Chip, who was absolutely crazy about her when she was a young woman of 20. She talks about running into the house after their dates and closing the screen door behind her so that he couldn’t kiss her. As good as he was, Gabs confessed that the chemistry just wasn’t there and Chip probably came to realize this himself, marrying another woman whom he didn’t love and divorcing soon after. My hunch is that he still had it for the Gabster!

Another story shared was of Curly, a young man in her childhood neighborhood who was one of 18 children. Yes, you did read that correctly. 18! His father abused him daily so he took refuge at my grandmother’s farm, usually at night. He went on to fight in WWII and was captured by the Japanese and held at Bataan by the Japanese as a POW. Curly was one of the few men who survived the camp and the ensuing death march, citing his hard upbringing as preparation for the ordeal. Interestingly, he said that the only men who survived were those who didn’t have it easy in life. All the Ivy League, wealthy kids were among the first to perish.

I wonder what will be in store for us today. One thing is for certain, tonight we’ll land in Chicago, stopping along the way in Madison, WI to see the sights. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen Manna, and I’m anxious to hear her news, see her new pad, and get the update on her new beau, “Cookie”.

Garrison Keillor may not be the first person you think of when it comes to business and personal success. But, he has a lot to say about success - and what it really takes to create meaning and value in our lives.

From his perspective, success happens when you follow these three principles:

“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”

To me, “be well” part is about taking great care of yourself and handling the personal problems, fears and challenges that keep you from growing your business, advancing your career and living your purpose. It’s about developing the confidence and courage you need to do your best work. The “do good work” part is about investing energy into things that makes a difference and call upon your best skills and talents - whether that be a job, volunteer position or role within our families and community.

Then, there’s the “keep in touch” part.

Most people know that building and maintaining a powerful network is just as important as your net worth. For example, business owners know that keeping in touch is a critical part of growing their business. Whether it be for business or personal, most of us acknowledge that relationships are what it’s really about.

But, here’s the sad truth. Most people don’t keep in touch like they know they should. Business owners miss out on opportunities, lose touch with prospects and fail to connect meaningfully with the people they are meant to serve. Professionals fail to nurture their network during the good times and then panic when it’s time to change jobs. Most of the time, we neglect to consistently make that personal connection with the people we care about most.

And, when that happens, the opportunities to “do good work” are less and less. Which then negatively impacts the “be well” part.

This degenerative cycle repeats itself over and over again…until we break it by reconnecting with the people in our network and in our community.

Continue Reading…

About a year ago, a friend of mine introduced me to a great little website entitled Heron Dance. Here’s the URL: www.herondance.org

According to its website, Heron Dance is committed to “Celebrating the Gift of Life, Exploring the Art of Life.” And, they do a wonderful job at it, too. One of the reasons why I like this site so much is because it reminds me to lead a balanced existence. It reminds me to be grateful, and it encourages me to have wonder for everything.

The site is filled with gorgeous art produced by its founder, Rod MacIver, and is often paired with quotes and excerpts of essays added by its contributors. BUT, perhaps the best aspect of this site, at least for me, is its free weekly email newsletter entitled “A Pause for Beauty”, containing a watercolor, poetry and reflections. Each week I am taken some place new and reflect upon words, sometimes familiar and sometimes quite new, for days afterwards.

Here’s an example, sans the art. I chose this Issue because I’m struggling to make peace with transition, and I found the words below comforting.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ” ~ Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

WE EACH HAVE a spiritual current that runs through our lives—a river. Connected to that current, our work, our life, has power. I constantly ask myself: What is my relationship to that current? Am I letting it guide me or am I forcing my will upon my life? It is so easy to lose touch with that current. When I am connected, my life has a flow. The most amazing things happen. Help comes my way, I meet “fellow-travelers,” people whose energy supports mine, and we both come away reinforced. Doors open. Bills get paid. In a good month, I spend about a third of my time in that state of synchronicity.

When you turn your back on the current of your life, you are on your own. You are coming at life believing that you are strong enough, powerful enough on your own. The other way is to come at life from a place of humility.

Roderick MacIver, from Issue 13 of Heron Dance.”